Still Reeling

When I woke up this morning I had my normal thoughts about children, horses, what the day holds--and then I remembered yesterday's bad news.

I don't know how we're going to save Chiron's Grove. We were already struggling and trying to find ways to bring in more money. Now I don't see how we can stay here.

I talked to our landlord. He's willing to take less money temporarily, but eventually he will want to be paid back. He wants to find a way for us to work together.

But when I look at it dispassionately, the picture is grim. We don't have a car; I won't have the use of my right arm for months to come and even now deal with pain every day; and people are tightening their wallets and spending less on horses. I can't train without assistance.

However, if I move to a less expensive county, I run the risk of losing my children.

The bizarre thing is, the court ruling is based on the fact that the childrens' lifestyles are basically the same in both houses. But that was before the court lowered the child support payments. I don't understand, I don't understand....

Perhaps writing is a bad idea until I start feeling some hope. It seems right now that every effort I make, all the cleverness I apply in trying to maintain things for the kids, is just a new invitation for somebody to slam a big hammer down and pound us back into difficulties. And this injury doesn't help. It's just discouraging when you have to evaluate every move you make based on how much it's going to hurt: how to pick up the scoop, how to fill it, how to cut the bales open, how to lift a mug into the microwave, how to open the refrigerator or open a door. I've taught all the horses to let me lead them on the wrong side, bless their hearts, and they do seem to understand not to pull on me.

To my friends, I haven't forgotten that you're there. Your love and understanding are like balm. I need to figure out what to do, though, and one concern is that my problems don't affect your lives. Sometimes I feel like this vortex of misfortune that could suck you all in if you reached out to help me too much.

It's all a bit foggy, now. I can't see through to the next good place.

Right now, I guess, is about right now. It's about working and having breakfast and working some more. It will be about hoping the hay comes today and finding either Rachelle or somebody else to help me with some training tasks. Also about writing ads.

Might as well get started.